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- Quick UC refresher (so the rest makes sense)
- 1) “But you don’t look sick.”
- 2) “Have you tried changing your diet?”
- 3) “It’s probably stress. Just relax.”
- 4) “My stomach hurts sometimes too. I get it.”
- 5) “Are you sure it’s not IBS / anxiety / something else?”
- 6) “So… what happens when you have to go?” (a.k.a. the invasive interrogation)
- 7) “Can’t you just hold it?”
- 8) “You should stop taking meds when you feel better.”
- 9) “At least it’s not that bad.” / “At least it’s not cancer.”
- How to be supportive without becoming a part-time gastroenterologist
- Final thoughts
- Experiences: What people living with UC often wish others understood (and what helps)
- 1) The “bathroom math” before every outing
- 2) The workday where they look fine… until they don’t
- 3) The “wellness advice avalanche”
- 4) The social event where food is the main character
- 5) The flare that changes plansand the fear of being “too much”
- 6) The moment they choose to shareand get met with disbelief
Ulcerative colitis (UC) is one of those conditions that can be hard to “see” from the outside and brutally impossible to ignore on the inside.
It’s a type of inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) that causes inflammation and ulcers in the lining of the colon and rectum, often with symptoms that
flare up and calm down in cycles. Translation: someone can look totally fine at 10 a.m. and be making emergency contingency plans by lunchtime.
If you care about someone with UC, your words matter more than you think. The wrong comment can land like a guilt trip wrapped in a joke.
The right comment can feel like someone finally handing them a glass of water in a desert: simple, supportive, and deeply needed.
This guide covers nine phrases to retire permanentlyand what to say instead if you want to be helpful (and not accidentally audition for “World’s Least Comforting Human”).
Quick UC refresher (so the rest makes sense)
UC isn’t “just a sensitive stomach,” and it isn’t something a person can willpower their way out of.
It involves abnormal immune system activity that drives inflammation in the large intestine. Symptoms can include urgent diarrhea,
abdominal cramping, fatigue, and sometimes blood or mucus in stool. Many people experience periods of remission and periods of flare-ups.
Treatment is individualized and may include anti-inflammatory meds (like 5-ASA), steroids, immune-modifying drugs, biologics, and sometimes surgery.
Now, let’s talk about the greatest hits of what not to say.
1) “But you don’t look sick.”
Why it hurts
UC is often an invisible illness. Someone can be exhausted, in pain, and managing intense urgency while still looking like they “just woke up and chose hydration.”
When you say they don’t look sick, it can sound like: “I don’t believe you,” or “Prove it.” They may already be fighting self-doubt and embarrassment.
They don’t need an audition.
Say this instead
“I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. How are you feeling today?”
Bonus points for: “Is there anything that would make today easier?”
2) “Have you tried changing your diet?”
Why it hurts
Diet can matter for symptom management, but it’s not a magic cureand it’s not the root cause.
People with UC often spend a lot of time learning their personal triggers, tracking foods, and working with clinicians.
So when you ask this (especially with the confidence of someone who read half a headline once), it can feel dismissive and exhausting.
Say this instead
“If you ever want to share what helps you, I’m here.”
Or: “Want me to help pick a restaurant with options that feel safe for you?”
3) “It’s probably stress. Just relax.”
Why it hurts
Stress can worsen symptoms for some peoplebut it does not “cause” UC, and telling someone to relax is like telling a tornado to “try being less windy.”
Plus, living with UC is stressful. Surprise! You found the loop.
Say this instead
“That sounds stressful. Want to talk, distract yourself, or do something low-key?”
If you’re close: “Do you want company for that appointment or errand?”
4) “My stomach hurts sometimes too. I get it.”
Why it hurts
You might be trying to connect, but it can come off like you’re equating UC with a random upset stomach.
UC can involve recurring inflammation, urgent bowel symptoms, fatigue, and complications that require medical treatment.
“Same” can accidentally become “same-ish,” which can feel minimizing.
Say this instead
“I can’t fully understand what that’s like, but I want to support you.”
Then ask a practical question: “What’s the hardest part this week?”
5) “Are you sure it’s not IBS / anxiety / something else?”
Why it hurts
UC is a medically recognized inflammatory condition. Many people go through long diagnostic journeys,
multiple tests, and plenty of second-guessing before they even get answers. Suggesting it’s “just” something else can feel like a relapse into that uncertainty.
Also, even if anxiety is present (which is common with chronic illness), it doesn’t cancel out the disease.
Say this instead
“Thanks for telling me. How can I show up for you?”
Or simply: “That sounds really hard.”
6) “So… what happens when you have to go?” (a.k.a. the invasive interrogation)
Why it hurts
UC symptoms can be intensely personal. Curiosity is normal, but people with UC are not a documentary series.
Putting them on the spot can trigger embarrassmentand that embarrassment can keep them from asking for accommodations they actually need.
Say this instead
“If you ever need a quick bathroom break or a change of plans, just say the word.”
That’s it. No follow-up quiz. No pop questions. No “educational” deep dive while they’re trying to survive brunch.
7) “Can’t you just hold it?”
Why it hurts
Urgency is a real symptom for many people with UC. Asking them to “hold it” is like asking someone with a sneeze to “just keep it inside forever.”
It’s not only unkindit’s unrealistic. And it can make someone feel unsafe traveling or going out with you.
Say this instead
“No rushlet’s find a bathroom.”
Or: “We can leave early / sit near the exit / take your carwhatever helps.”
8) “You should stop taking meds when you feel better.”
Why it hurts
Many UC medications are used to induce remission and maintain it. Stopping meds without medical guidance can increase the risk of flare-ups or complications.
People with UC are often balancing benefits, side effects, insurance hurdles, lab monitoring, and a lot of mental math.
Casual medication advice can be genuinely dangerous.
Say this instead
“How’s your treatment goinganything you need help with?”
If they mention meds, try: “That sounds like a lot to manage. Want me to help with a reminder system or a pharmacy pickup?”
9) “At least it’s not that bad.” / “At least it’s not cancer.”
Why it hurts
“At least” is usually the start of a sentence that tries to erase someone’s reality.
UC can seriously affect quality of lifeeven when someone is doing their best to act normal.
Comparing illnesses doesn’t comfort the person in front of you; it just teaches them not to open up next time.
Say this instead
“I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
Or: “I’m here. Want to vent, or want a distraction?”
How to be supportive without becoming a part-time gastroenterologist
- Offer flexible plans. Choose seats near aisles, keep exits in mind, and don’t guilt-trip cancellations.
- Believe them the first time. They’re already doing enough work managing symptoms and life.
- Ask consent before health talk. “Want to talk about UC stuff or not today?” is a gift.
- Be practical. A ride, a pharmacy run, a low-key hangout, or simply patience can mean everything.
- Respect privacy. Let them share details at their pace.
Final thoughts
You don’t need perfect words. You just need human wordsones that don’t minimize, blame, or pressure someone with UC to “perform wellness.”
When in doubt, aim for two things: belief and flexibility.
Believe their experience. Be flexible with your expectations. And if you slip up (because humans do),
a simple “I’m sorrythanks for telling me” can repair more than you think.
Experiences: What people living with UC often wish others understood (and what helps)
The phrases above don’t hurt in a vacuumthey land on top of real moments. Here are a few common scenarios people with UC describe,
and the small, specific responses that can make those moments less isolating.
1) The “bathroom math” before every outing
Before a simple coffee run, a person with UC might scan the route for bathrooms, choose clothing that feels safe,
and weigh whether eating now is worth the risk later. When a friend jokes, “What could possibly happen in 20 minutes?”
it can feel like their careful planning is being mocked. What helps is the friend who says,
“Let’s pick the place that’s easiest for you,” and means itno sighs, no eye-rolls, no “you’re being dramatic.”
2) The workday where they look fine… until they don’t
UC fatigue can be crushing. Someone may deliver a great presentation and then feel like their battery hits 1% with no charger in sight.
A coworker saying “Must be nice to work from home sometimes” can sting, because accommodations aren’t perksthey’re tools to keep functioning.
The supportive coworker doesn’t demand details; they simply offer cover:
“If you need to step out, I’ve got the meeting notes,” or “Want me to run interference if someone asks?”
3) The “wellness advice avalanche”
People with UC often get flooded with tips: eliminate gluten, try celery juice, “heal your gut” with mysterious powders,
do a cleanse (please don’t), manifest calm, or purchase a supplement with a label that looks like it was designed by a raccoon.
Even when it’s well-intentioned, it can feel like being told they’re sick because they didn’t try hard enough.
What helps is curiosity without pressure: “Are there any changes you’re trying right now that feel helpful?”
And accepting “No” without pushing.
4) The social event where food is the main character
At a birthday dinner, someone with UC might order something plain, eat slowly, or skip eating altogether.
If someone comments, “Come on, live a little,” it can turn a fun night into a spotlight moment.
The friend who helps says, “No worrieswant me to grab something else after?” or “We can do dessert another day.”
It’s not about making UC the center of attention; it’s about making the person feel safe enough to enjoy being there.
5) The flare that changes plansand the fear of being “too much”
One of the hardest parts isn’t the cancellation itself; it’s the worry that people will stop inviting them.
A flare can knock out weekend plans, holidays, and trips. When someone replies, “Again?”
it confirms the fear that they’re a burden. What helps is reassurance and a next step:
“No problem. Let’s reschedule when you’re up for it,” or “Do you want company, or would you rather rest?”
That second optionrest without guiltis huge.
6) The moment they choose to shareand get met with disbelief
Many people with UC carefully choose who they tell, because the condition can be misunderstood and stigmatized.
If they finally open up and hear “But you look great,” they may shut the door for a long time.
A better response is simple and steady: “Thanks for trusting me. I’m here.”
It’s not dramatic. It doesn’t demand details. It just makes room for them to exist as a whole personsymptoms, strengths, humor, and all.
